On the record, my favorite author is Victor Hugo. Off the record, it’s Erma Bombeck.

A prolific writer of humorous musings on motherhood, laundry and pet hamsters, she spoke to everyone in one way or another, making us feel seen and heard. Through her tales of struggles to fit in, she created a club where we could all be members regardless of our zip code or credit card limit.

In her book, “The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank” she said about the suburban lawn,

“Never in the history of the world have so many men sacrificed so much, so often at such a price, for so little. The suburban lawn not only became an obsession with the suburban husband, it became the very symbol of manhood. Not to have a lawn was like admitting you had training wheels on your Harley-Davidson”.

What is it about the need to fit in that drives us? In my Florida neighborhood, one house was mocked and ridiculed at yacht club dinners because they had gone rogue with their lawn. They had gone au natural – bringing in sand, shells, rocks and moss – unheard of in an area where the streets are paved with imported Princess 77 Bermuda Grass. However, once the summer water bills reached heights that challenged their racquetball socks, the once fringe landscape became the new, coveted project.

And it starts young. Kids come home from school needing the latest Lululemon or the sneakers that cost $600 to look used. (I’ll tie your old Adidas to the back of my car and drive them around for $5.)

As a marketing executive, I want my client’s brands to make people feel like they fit in. When done right, it sells itself. Think about soda – for the most part you’re either a Coke person or a Pepsi person. If you get it wrong in the south, they’ll let you know you don’t fit in. Successful brand marketing creates an emotional connection between people. The more people who relate or connect, the larger the following. The best example of this is sports teams. You’re either a Yankee fan or a Sox fan. You’re either an Army fan or a Navy fan, Arnold Palmer or Jack Nicklaus, Cal or Stanford, Ross or Rachel.

When you see two motorcyclists passing in opposite direction, they often give the side arm wave – the acknowledgement that they fit in. Strangers at a dive bar who would otherwise avoid all contact will give each other great big bear hugs when realizing they are both rooting for the same team.

When I was modeling overseas, there would be runway fittings with large groups of models – all ridiculously insecure – desperate for acceptance. Many times I would bum a cigarette and stand on a small French or Italian balcony, shivering in a half sewn garment, hoping I didn’t light the wrong end or burn someone in my desperate attempt to fit in.

Even families, marred by controversy, jealousy and general ill-will, show up in matching menorah sweaters or plaid Christmas pajamas to show the world they fit in with these people.

YOU KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT YOU’VE BEEN THERE.

The need to fit in is different from belonging. Fitting in means becoming whatever is needed to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, is to be accepted for your true, authentic self. That takes more work.

The desire to fit in can go too far, as we see now more than ever, causing an identity crisis that will take generations to fix. We’ve let influencers raise our children to believe they are somehow less – that without those shoes or game or without accepting certain ideologies, they won’t fit in, won’t be accepted, won’t be worthy.

We’ve gotten so obsessed with fitting in that we’ve forgotten how to reason – letting the polarizing media tell us what to watch, where to shop and who to vote for. We’ve decided it’s easier to check our brains at the door and follow the person in front of us no matter the destination. We’ve spent an entire decade keeping up with the Kardashians and now we’re in a place in time where we can’t express an opposing opinion for fear of retaliation. No wonder we’ve all succumbed to groupthink.

Offering fresh, colorful ideas really muddies the beige canvas of mediocrity.

Back in the day, the fringe of society were the oddities. Now, fringe is in.

We’re all going around sharing opinions in soundbites, masterfully crafted to be provocative by brands like FOX, NBC and IAC. We’re reading stories that mention race, religion or voting records before the actual crime or issue at hand ensuring a bias has already been established.

We have also lost the art of listening, making space for a different opinion or idea, without the need to counter or argue. In the end, we all just want to be heard.

These days, on the outskirt of society, lies the thinkers – the champions of reason – the still point of the pendulum. They don’t fit in anywhere because they aren’t designed to. They are the ones who have observed and evolved – the ones who take the time to see both sides – they are the peacemakers.

“You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.”

Matthew 5:9 from The Message

How do we fly our freak flag of moderation in a HOA hell bent on polarization?

First, we have to step back and take a hard look at who we are right now – not who we were. What is your “why”? What are your core beliefs and values?

Do you vote down the party line? If so, I invite you to think about your heroes. I’m guessing they weren’t one dimensional cardboard cutouts. Hopefully, the people you aspire to be like have complex thoughts and ideas that evolve with knowledge and experience. The republican party is not the party of Eisenhower. The democratic party is not the party of Kennedy. Those were different times and those were stronger men.

Do you wrestle with religion vs spirituality and what your purpose is in this life? Hopefully, you ponder less on the Sunday School stories of your youth and, instead, struggle with the complex ideas of creation, purpose and meaning.

Are you locked in black and white thinking, justifying broken relationships and partnerships because of a rigid adherence to what you think is right or just or fair or good? At the end of your life, will you be glad you chose being right at the expense of being loved?

If I haven’t offended you yet, let me try again because my freak flag is already at half mast.

You can both have an opinion and allow others to have theirs. You can agree to disagree. You can!

You can be both a Republican and vote for someone who wants to raise taxes to improve education.

You can be both a Democrat and support a candidate who believes life begins at conception.

You can be both an Evangelical Christian and fiercely love your gay child.

You can be both a far left liberal and love your straight child. (yes, you can!)

You can be both a Mary Mother of God Catholic and join your neighbor for a Seder dinner.

You can be both an environmentalist and still think there is no better hold than Aqua Net.

You Can Be Both.

My father was a Chaplain at West Point for over 20 years. As a former college and semi-pro football star, he was excited to be at the all male academy and was all-in with the hoorah groupthink of that era. Then, in the early part of 1976, Congress said there’d be women coming that fall. And my father, like most of the cadets, faculty and staff, joined in a collective cry of disapproval. To my father’s credit, he quickly realized he needed to break with the all-boys club and become a defender of women. He counseled them, turned our home into a safe haven for them and stepped aside while my mother, a RN, cared for, protected and comforted those that came to her in the instances of abuse or abortion – free from judgement. I believe this is the first time that has been written about. I imagine some will think less of my parents for this. I imagine the cadets in their care in those years will think otherwise.

Love is the higher law.

You can be both an intellectual and an empath.

You can be both dogmatic and evolve.

So Let Your Freak Flag Fly!

Because you belong here. You fit in because you’re human. You fit in because you’re part of God’s plan for this day. You fit in because you have a purpose for being here. You fit in because you are enough, just as you are.

You belong in this race beside me.

Run to win.