Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. … To love is to be vulnerable.” CS Lewis from The Four Loves

In the month of January, the number one questions is “what is your resolution?” or “what are you goals for the New Year?”

I’m a huge fan of resolutions. I make my weekly fitness goals every Monday. (Is this a hot yoga week? A crossfit week? A Fitness Blender on Youtube week? A plank challenge week? Beer pong? I like routine but I don’t like to be bored.)

This year is bringing a lot of changes but some things remain the same. I’m back in the USA! GOD BLESS TARGET! My first day home I just sat in the middle of aisle 5 taking in the best of American disposable goods and our desire to over consume. Next up – Costco. (I’m going to buy 4,000 rolls of toilet paper and 12 gallons of boxed wine JUST BECAUSE I CAN.)

In keeping with resolutions, I’m also resuming my running the USA. I had a mission a few years back to run every state but I was sidetracked in Europe – an experience with extreme highs and lows. God definitely was pruning me and I’ve learned that God is there in the wilderness even when you don’t feel Him. (If YOU are in the wilderness right now, you’re not alone.) I’ve run about half the states so I’ve got a lot yet to do. Stay tuned Texas, Oklahoma and Tennessee – you’re in the queue!

Saturday I ran my first race in the warm Florida sun. It was my first time running in sand in a year and by mile 2 my calves were burning.

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My goal for this year, besides running races in as many states as possible, is to over-love. In the “wilderness” this past year, I’ve realized how much fear I have developed around really loving whole-heartedly. I put these walls up to protect my heart. I have some good friends but I don’t have many intimate, kindred spirits because that requires loving without fear – loving without holding back. I’ve loved and lost some real loves and that’s also because of fear – fear of being hurt. All that fear – it just gets in the way. We’re made to love, even when it hurts. That’s scary!

Then there’s self-love. Every single person reading this needs to work on self love – loving yourself as you are right now, not 20 lbs ago or 20 years ago but right now with all the wrinkles and dimples and heart scars. Imagine what life would look like if we loved ourselves without fear? If we accepted ourselves just as we are? Can you look in the mirror right now and say, “YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL BEAST! You are my best friend, my perfect partner, the love of my life. You are perfect right now in this moment. I see your flaws and I love you because of them!”  Can you say that right now and mean it?

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For those who follow my antics on social media, you know I am a model. (KathyCamp1)

There are few people in this world more insecure than models.

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I’ve been stuck in this loop of reinforcing negative thoughts about my body while trying to put forth perfection in photos.  It makes me feel like a fraud. Sound familiar? What negative loops are you stuck in? How can you get out of the loop and get back on the path in front of you?

Here are three things I have done to get out of the loop:

  1. Seek wise council. Maybe that’s a licensed therapist. Perhaps a pastor or a respected confidant. Whoever it is, know you don’t know it all. Find people who do.
  2. Give it up to God. I don’t know where you are in your faith journey but here’s what I know to be true: We were fearfully and wonderfully made by a Creator who wants a relationship with us every single day. Give it to God and let it go. 
  3. Make friends with fear.  You know that cranky old neighbor that no one likes? Sometimes when you acknowledge them, you realize they’re not that bad – you can handle them. Make friends with your fear. Acknowledge it. Talk to it. Name it. Whatever you need to do. Don’t ignore it or that ugly neighbor becomes a monster that keeps you from taking out the garbage in the daylight for fear of confrontation. Step up to your fears and watch them back down.

Examples:

You say, I have a modeling/PR/job interview tomorrow.

Fear says, “You can’t do it. You’re not thin enough/young enough/smart enough. You’re not qualified for that job. They’ll see right through you.

You say, “Oh Hey There Fear! – I see you Fear Fred you big fat shit head. I’m actually all over this thing and I don’t need you to join me tomorrow. I’ve got this.”

Or

You say, I love this person.

Fear says, “Yeah, he’s going to break you heart. He’s going to leave you – everyone leaves. Guard yourself. Put up walls – bigger walls – BIGGER WALLS – now RUN”

You say, “Isn’t there a fat cherub with a bow and arrow somewhere that you can mess with? I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am worthy of loving and of being loved. I have been given a heart with an extraordinarily large capacity to love, forgive, accept and nurture. See yourself out.”

Make friends with Fear. Then get on with your life.

Go big. Lukewarm is no good.

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This year, I’m going to love myself without fear.

This year I’m going to love others without fear.

This year I’m going to love hard, completely, relentlessly, fearlessly!

“If you want to tap into what life has to offer, let love be your primary mode of being, not fear. Fear closes us down and makes us retreat. It locks doors and limits opportunities. Love is about opening to possibilities. Seeing the world with new eyes. It widens our heart and mind. Fear incarcerates but love liberates.”  ~ John Mark Green

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My favorite bible verse is 1 Corinthians 9:24. The next verse, 26-27 says this:

I don’t know about you, but I’m running hard for the finish line. I’m giving it everything I’ve got. No sloppy living for me! I’m staying alert and in top condition. I’m not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself.”

And Run to Win.

 

 

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Today is Global Running Day. I don’t know what that means. Is this another Hallmark card day? Is there an appropriate flower or edible that is assigned to this? Does Nike give out free shoe laces?

For me, every day is Global Running Day. If you’re just tuning in, I’m a New Yorker living part time in Europe running for Parkinson’s Disease which has sidelined my awesome, athletic father. I started running later in life and haven’t stopped. There are three reasons I’ve continued to make running a part of my (almost) daily life.

  1. It keeps me fit. I’m a professional model and that means having to stay slim enough that someone wants to photograph me in their clothes. A good playlist, a pair of sneakers and a supportive sports bra is all the equipment I need. I can run in any city, any country, and part of the world I happen to be in.AirBrush_20180606134946
  2. I run to raise awareness for Parkinson’s disease. My father taught me to run competitively at a young age, although I resisted for 2 decades. He would have me run a lamp post, walk a lamp post or run a mailbox, walk a mailbox. When I’m recovering from an injury or getting back after a break, I still do this to get my stride back. Before Parkinson’s took away his balance, he taught my daughter.img_5008.jpg
  3. Running has balanced my hormones, forced me to eat cleaner for energy, helped my emotional and mental health. It clears my mind. I can forget whatever problems I have. For 20 or 30 minutes nothing else matters. It keeps the dark clouds from taking over.

Someone close to me asked me how I maintain this transatlantic lifestyle without losing myself. It takes a lot of work to stay connected to myself when my personality is to be all things to all people. I feel darkness. No matter where I am, the person I love – the people I love – are somewhere else. Have you felt that intense darkness? Fear and doubt and heartache? Do question if you’re doing enough – if you’re good enough – if it’s all enough? It’s a dark, lonely place to be and I’ve been there. I suspect you’ve been there too.

In the early 1980’s my parents brought home a tall, thin, awkward high school kid from the midwest. He was going to be my family – he didn’t have parents and Aunt Rosa, who raised him, was too old to be involved in his life anymore. So he joined our family.

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He entered the Academy and graduated four years later. He went into the “real” Army and the darkness set in. The clouds were too much for him to take and on the 9th of July 1990 he took his life. He didn’t leave a note. He left a voicemail message. I can still hear it in my head. I was 12 years old.

He left me all his music – he was a prolific composer. I still can’t bring myself to open the box.

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There are three things I want you to know:

  1. Some of us are more prone to the “darkness” than others. I don’t know why and it really doesn’t matter. I’ve heard artistic types like actors and designers are the most prone. Maybe. Maybe their deaths just make the evening news. The soldiers death, the one who just couldn’t get the wounds of war out of his head, certainly doesn’t trend on twitter. Be aware of those around you. Maybe your greatest contribution is to come alongside someone else.
  2. We need to identify the darkness when it comes and engage our spiritual muscle. Your prayer life needs to hit an all time high – the kind that brings you to your emotional knees. God made you to be in a relationship with Him and He doesn’t make mistakes.
  3. You need to call on your tribe – the people in your life that regardless of location or time or circumstance will step up every single time. Maybe its a family member or an old roommate or teammate. Maybe it’s someone you served with once or met on an airplane over Topeka, Kansas. Whatever, whoever, find your people. 

Or call me. Message me.

I’ll be your tribe.

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Whatever you do, don’t stop. Brush off the clouds and keep going.

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There doesn’t need to be a special day to exercise. We need to move our bodies every day. There doesn’t need to be a special day to be a friend. We need to connect with people every day. There doesn’t need to be a special day for mental health awareness. We need to keep the dark clouds away every single day. There doesn’t need to be a special day for presenting our best selves before God – we should be bringing our best every day. Our families deserve our best. Our friends and coworkers and children and parents and partners deserve our best. WE deserve our best. So lace up and get out there.

In the meantime, I’m going to keep running.

Around the lamp post, from mail box to mail box, around the block or around the world, wherever you are,

Run to Win.

 

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“You’ve all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. All good athletes train hard. They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. You’re after one that’s gold eternally.” 1 Corinthians 9:24-25

 

 

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Memorial Day is not Veteran’s Day. Confusing the two is like eulogizing Grandpa when he’s going in for a dental cleaning. Right audience, wrong occasion.

For the most part, holidays are joyful. (Enter tacky reindeer theme sweater here.) Living near DC is especially fun during major holidays like Veteran’s Day, Forth of July, and when Congress is in recess. I took my tiny tot to the parade to cheer for the men and women marching in the humidity, sweating shoulder to shoulder with thousands of strangers eating mysterious meat on a stick from the rows of food trucks nearby.

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But first I went for a run. It was a 5k in Baltimore. I came in third in my age group. Not bad for having to wake up at 5am and drive 75 minutes in the humidity. (I hate being hot.)

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I always run for my dad – for Parkinson’s – for people struggling so in the 26, 27, 28 minutes it takes me to run a 5k, I’m carrying their burden. This run was my 22 push up challenge. I get it. A bucket of ice water, 22 push ups for 22 days, posting a cancer awareness post on social media. They’re all ways that we can feel like we’re doing something. And it is something. I’m not sure people covered in ice water saved a life from ALS but I’m sure it made them feel – however briefly – lifted up. I don’t think a veteran will seek help with PTSD because they saw their neighbor in his yard doing 22 push ups. But perhaps it reminds us to look out for one another, to put others before ourselves, to sacrifice a little bit of our time and talents for our community.

Nate Self, USMA ’98 wrote a book called “Two Wars: One Hero’s Fight on Two Fronts – Abroad and Within”. (grab a copy on Amazon). The book is an interesting first hand account of a battle in the Afghan mountains and Nate’s internal struggle back home with PTSD. I have never been to war. I have struggled with depression from time to time like the typical teenage angst, going through a divorce, my father’s disease. We can all relate to anxiety, depression, fear.

On the 9th of July 1990 one of my all time favorite people died. West Point class of 1988, the biggest person at the Camp Thanksgiving kids table, my quiet champion. My daughter is learning to play the piano on the same baby grand he taught me. I have boxes of music – some he has played, some he wrote – that I can’t bring myself to open.

On the 4th of July he left a message on our answering machine. He said, “I can’t reconcile the person I am with the person I want to be.” A few days later he took his life. I was 12 years old.

I don’t think running a road race or doing push ups or dunking myself in cold water would have saved him. He was a thousand miles away in Texas and we were all busy doing our things – unaware of the extent that he was suffering.

16 years later I still think about him every time I play our baby grand. There have been other people I’ve lost – other friends that have died in the decade of war our nation has endured.  Their loss is a reminder to be vigilant and intentional in our relationships with one another. In this age of social media and video chat, we don’t have any excuses not to stay connected. Friends, colleagues and classmates have the ability to know what is going on in each others’ lives and have the resources to meet needs in real-time.

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So do the push ups. Run the road race. Come alongside someone. Lace up your sneakers and run with me, virtually, even if we’re thousands of miles apart. And if you’re struggling, reach out. Have hope. God isn’t through with me and He isn’t through with you yet. Run to Win.

Appropriately, for our John,  John 15: 12-13 (from The Message)

“This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends”